Silhouettes
by Kaslyna
Summary: Wherever there is you, I will be there, too.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This was an idea that came to me after hearing "Silhouettes" by Of Monsters and Men. That's the song for this story. It's an angsty ride for Amanda and Nolan, but I have a plan.**

"_It's hard, letting go"_

The funeral was small, on a day when skies were gray and forecasts predicted razor rain that night. The first thing Nolan noticed about Amanda that day was that she looked tiny. She _was_ tiny, at five feet four inches, but one normally couldn't tell. She wore a small hat with a black veil and a black sheath dress, with black flats and a black cardigan on her shoulders. Nolan walked to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She stiffened in surprise at his gesture.

"Hey," he said, not sure what else to say.

"Hey," she replied, also unsure of what to say or do; he'd since removed his hand, placing it in his pocket instead.

The funeral dragged on; afterwards, there was a party held in Kenya's honor at the NeedWant. Nolan sat at the bar as Amanda greeted the whole town. She joined him half an hour into the party, ordering a scotch, which he immediately told the bartender was on him.

Turning to him, Amanda murmured her thanks, downing the glass in one go, face twisting into a grimace. He chuckled a little and told the bartender to get them another round of drinks on him-his fourth, her second.

"To Kenya," he toasted, "A hell of a woman."

"To Kenya," Amanda choked out, clinking her glass against his before she downed it in one fell swoop.

"How are you doing?" he asked her, placing a hand on her knee to keep her from running. His pinky hooked under the fabric of her dress, brushing soothingly against the inside of her lower thigh. She shivered a little and ordered another drink.

"I just can't believe she's gone, you know? Poisoned, in the woods! What the hell was she thinking, going out of Defiance by herself?" Amanda ranted, pausing only to take occasional sips of her scotch.

"She wasn't a kid, Amanda, she was thirty years old," he pointed out gently, his hand still on her knee. She knew she should push him away, but she was fairly tipsy and it felt nice and distracting. Maybe Amanda could get him to distract her in other ways as well, if all went according to plan.

"Still," Amanda shrugged, "Life's just cruel, isn't it? I'm sorry about Irisa, Nolan, I really am, and I'm sorry I'm such a shtako friend for not saying that beforehand."

"It's quite alright," it was his turn to be choked up, "You obviously have your own problems."

"Still, you've been here for me, and I'm incredibly grateful, but let me be there for you, too," Amanda was beginning to slur, now on her sixth glass; Nolan was only on number five.

"Thanks," he finished his drink, "Life's like that sometimes. Sometimes things go great, but then life has to remind us it can be shtako, too. It feels pretty pointless, huh?"

"Yeah," Amanda agreed, "Yeah, it does."

They mused on that for a while, sitting in silence. Nolan turned back to the bar, and she immediately missed the warmth of his hand on her nearly bare knee. Amanda finished her sixth drink, and then her seventh and eighth before the bartender cut her off; Nolan finished five and six, and then decided to stop.

Amanda was beginning to feel sick and woozy, and Nolan noticed. Frowning, he stood, taking her hand and pulling her off the barstool as well. He tugged her along to the door, and Amanda regained enough sense to ask, "Where are we going?"

"For some air," Nolan explained, "You look-and probably feel-like shtako. I'll take you to my apartment; nobody will notice. I'll make you a cup of very strong coffee and give you some of that Indogene pre-hangover stuff I _still_ don't know the name of. Then, you can pass out in Irisa's cot and go home in the morning."

"Sounds good," Amanda agreed, a pleasant and familiar heat filling her body at the idea of spending the night in Nolan's home. However, she definitely felt like shtako, and probably nothing would happen between them with him tipsy and her drunk.

They made the rest of their way in silence, Nolan never letting go of her hand. When they reached his apartment, he did as promised, giving her the coffee and the pre-hangover medication; while not a cure for a hangover, it definitely took the edge off, leaving the user exhausted but not sick the next morning. Still, it was a fair trade off. She thanked him profusely, knowing how hard coffee was to get these days.

Nolan was exhausted himself, but forced two glasses of water and a pre-hangover pill down his throat before excusing himself to use the restroom. When his business was taken care of, he washed his hands and face before he stripped down to just his boxers and tank top. Exiting, he found Amanda sitting on Irisa's cot in a small, shaking ball.

"Hey," he cooed, coming to sit next to her, pulling her into him, "Hey. Shh, it'll be alright, Amanda. I promise."

"She's gone," Amanda sobbed, and he nodded, rubbing soothing circles onto her back.

They sat like that for a while. When Amanda had calmed down enough, Nolan gently stood up, going to the dresser. He pulled out one of his tank tops and threw it at her. She mumbled her thanks, going to the bathroom to get ready for the night.

Nolan was just getting into bed when she came out. Even in an oversized tank top that barely covered her underwear (plain black panties, not lace like Kenya), eyes red and swollen from crying, Amanda looked beautiful to him. He smiled, trying to convey his message wordlessly. She smiled faintly back, going to Irisa's cot, where she crawled under the covers and turned away from him.

"Good night," Amanda said.

"Night," he replied gruffly, turning on his side.


	2. Chapter 2

"_I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong."_

_**Two months later:**_

Amanda had been a janitor in her not-so-distant past, and she'd hoped never to repeat the experience. Yet, here she was, a janitor at the NeedWant. In reality, she'd only taken the job because she'd become obsessed with her sister's death and wanted to see if she could find any clues as to who could have killed her.

Nolan was still working as lawkeeper, though he was on a tight leash and had long hours. He often only dealt with petty criminals while Tommy now did all the hard work. Amanda knew Nolan was struggling with being unofficially demoted, but he rarely talked about it. Despite all the time they'd spent together in the past two months, they rarely talked about anything besides Irisa and Kenya and the state of Defiance. The E-reps had taken over; her mayoral apartment had been given to the new mayor, and Amanda had moved into what had once been a large storage closet at the NeedWant. It was on the first floor, near the kitchen and the bathroom, but it'd do for her.

The door opened, and Amanda looked up. Nolan entered, smiling slightly at the sight of her, and she couldn't help but smile back a little. It'd been a rough day, but there were less of them, and that made her more relaxed.

"Hey," she greeted him as he came up to where she was scrubbing the bar.

"Hey," he replied, hands stuffed in his pockets.

"So what's up?" she asked, turning to pour him a drink, the new owner be damned.

"Thanks," he took the drink, downed it, and continued, "Was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight. I have something to talk to you about."

"Okay," she agreed easily; it was better than the noise that came with her apartment.

That's how she finds herself, at five o'clock in the evening, making her way to Nolan's apartment. She'd changed from the janitorial attire of jeans and a t-shirt to a pair of cargo pants, a navy tank top, and her leather jacket.

Nolan answers the door and she smells food, making her stomach grumble. He chuckles as he lets her in, taking her jacket and draping it over the couch.

"It's not much," he says as he serves her, "And it sure as hell doesn't look pretty, but I'm told-by my picky eater of a daughter-that it's decent."

"I'm sure it's fine. Thank you," Amanda smiles at him; he's right, it doesn't look pretty. She trusts him, though, and digs in, suppressing a moan at the taste. Considering most of her food comes out burnt or undercooked, this is damn good.

"Good?" he asks, mouth full; she frowns at him disapprovingly.

"Better than I'd hoped," Amanda teases.

He just chuckled in response. They ate, exchanging friendly banter, until they were done. Amanda helped with cleanup, and he couldn't help but watch as she bent down to pick up a piece of vegetable that fell on the floor.

"Nolan," she said warningly.

"Hmm?" he looked away.

"Stop staring at my ass and help me clean up," she grumbled.

"Yes ma'am," he saluted the now standing Amanda, who rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded like 'asshole' under her breath.

They finished cleaning, and then moved to the couch, where she turned to him and said, "Okay, now what did you want to talk to me about?"

He swallowed, "I want to look outside Defiance for Irisa."

A pause, and then Amanda replied, "Are you asking my permission?"

"No," he responded quickly, "No, I'm just asking if you think it's smart."

"It's not," Amanda weighed her words carefully, "But I understand. It's what you have to do, right? If it were me, I'd run off looking, too."

"I know," he nodded slowly, "And I have an actual lead, or I wouldn't bother."

"Where?" she asked.

"Manhattan," he replied, and watched her wince.

"Okay," she nodded.

"You could come with me."

"I can't and you know it."

"I know, it was worth a try," Nolan sighed, "I'll be back in a month or so."

"Okay," Amanda breathed a sigh of relief, "Okay, well, any help you need getting going, I'm here."

"Thanks," he smiled fondly at her, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair that'd escaped her braid behind her ear, watching her face flush. He wondered briefly how low that flush would spread, if her breasts, too, would be crimson, or their usual milky color.

He swallowed, wondering if he leaned in to kiss her if she'd pull away. Before Nolan could find out, and as if sensing the licentious turn his thoughts had taken, Amanda stood, stretching.

"Well, thanks, and like I said, if you need help getting to Manhattan, I'm your girl," she smiled down at him, "I'll see you in a month."

"A month," he agreed, standing.

Before she could realize what had happened, Nolan had gathered Amanda into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"I'll miss you," he admitted.

"You'd better," she responded, inexplicably choked up.

**ANANAN**

The month passed slowly at first for Amanda, who filled her days with work. She worked from eight in the morning till four in the evening, and then again from closing at one in the morning until two in the morning. She generally only seven broken hours of sleep, but she wasn't complaining. During her free time after work, Amanda headed to the market, or walked to the mines and back. Sometimes she looked for clues on Irisa's disappearance, wanting to be helpful to Nolan. Other times, she simply went to clear her head and attempt to dispel the worries that plagued her about Nolan's safety. Since hailers didn't work outside of a thirty mile radius due to the radiation in the upper atmosphere, she hadn't heard from him; it took a week to and from Manhattan, and letters would be pointless during such a short trip. Nevertheless, Amanda worried about Nolan.

Sundays were her favorite day of the week; it was a slow work day, and she spent most of the time when she wasn't cleaning or restocking the bar reading Old Earth books or listening to the stories the Votan customers brought with them while she tended the bar, something she did only on Sundays from one in the afternoon until four, when she got off until one in the morning. Nolan hadn't liked the idea of her tending the bar at first, but reluctantly agreed not to fight her on it when she'd told him it'd get her her apartment and would only be for three hours in the afternoons on Sundays.

A lot of people visited on Sundays, checking up on her. They all knew about Nolan's going off to look for Irisa, though no one but Tommy and her knew exactly where he'd gone off to. She was touched by their concern, yet it irritated her to no end.

It was a Sunday when the new mayor strode in. This was nothing unusual, except he stopped at the bar instead of heading straight upstairs. Amanda frowned a little, then quickly pasted a smile onto her face.

"Hello, Mayor," she greeted coolly.

"Amanda," he nodded.

"Can I get you something?" Amanda asked, on guard.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you," he replied, adopting her faux-casual tone.

"Oh?"

"It's about a prisoner," he hedged.

"Well, I don't know what you want me to do," Amanda responded, confused.

"They've asked to speak to you, and only you. Believe me, I like it less than you do."

She suppressed a snort before asking, "Who is it that wants to speak to me?"

Now the mayor grinned, genuine and sly, "Datak Tarr."


	3. Chapter 3

"_Slow, I'm getting up."_

"Datak Tarr?" now Amanda didn't bother to suppress a snort of amusement.

"Datak Tarr," agreed the mayor.

"Fine," Amanda threw her hands up, "Give me an hour to finish working, okay?"

"One hour," the mayor replied, nodding and standing, "I'll come back for you."

"Alright," she replied, wary.

An hour passed quickly, spent with Amanda waiting on people who needed to be waited on and her free time filled with thoughts of Nolan and what the hell Datak Tarr could want with her. The answer was obvious and sent chills down her spine. She reminded herself he was in jail.

True to his word, the mayor picked her up, driving her to the town's jail.

"Las Vegas wants him," the mayor explains, "We're gonna give them him, after he talks to you."

"Good," Amanda replies.

They leave it at that. They arrive, and Amanda and the mayor go inside. They're inspected, as well as their stuff, and then given passes. Amanda and the mayor make it to the interrogation room that's been assigned, where the mayor will wait outside and a guard will be inside with Datak and Amanda at all times.

"Hello, Madame Mayor. Or is it Amanda now?" Datak greets, rubbing salt in the open wound.

"Datak," she acknowledges, sitting across from him, "Let's cut the shtako. What do you want?"

"You know what I want," he growls, "But unfortunately, that's not gonna happen now."

"So why'd you call me in here?"

"Because I know why Irisa disappeared," he replies casually.

"Oh?"

"The Kaziri," he nods, "Look them up."

The guard, a heavyset Sensoth, snorts, "That's shtako and you know it."

"It's not," Datak insists, "Amanda, you have to look it up. The whole_ world_ could be in danger."

Amanda rolls her eyes and stands, "If that's all, I'm leaving."

"Wait," Datak calls, "Wait! Your sister-Kenya."

"Kenya's dead," Amanda responds coldly.

"Don't you want to know why she died?" he taunts.

"You son of a-"

"It wasn't me, Amanda," he leans back in his chair, the picture of casual ease, "But I know who it was."

"Who?"

He smiles, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

With that, Amanda leaves.

**ANANAN**

"Well?" the mayor demands as soon as she's out.

"He fed me some shtako story about the Kaziri and told me he knew how my sister died," Amanda shrugged, "Nothing useful."

The mayor swore, but thanked her for her time. He drove Amanda back to the NeedWant, where she ate, showered, and slept until her next shift.

The days continued to pass, and Amanda became worried about Nolan more and more as the month mark neared. She knew it was irrational to be nervous; anything could have happened-God knows it had taken her and Kenya nearly three months to make it to Defiance from Manhattan. Granted, they'd hitchhiked, but still.

One day, she's trapped in the library, a small and creepy place nobody dared visit, when a bout of razor rain struck. It was then that she decided to look up the Kaziri.

The Kaziri had been Votan artifacts, and could tip the tension between the Earth Republic and the Votan Collective into fullscale war, wiping out one or both of the sides completely. It was a creepy and sad tale, and Amanda had no qualms about leaving the book back on its dusty shelf when she left after the rain.

She didn't possibly see how it could relate to Irisa and her disappearance. Nor did she really think Datak knew who'd killed Kenya, yet something was nagging her in her mind, an itch she didn't know how to get rid of.

As Amanda laid in bed that night, she prayed to a God she hadn't believed in for years that Nolan got home soon-safely.

**ANANAN**

A month passed since Nolan's departure. Amanda grew more worried with each day that passed, until finally, one day, she got a hail.

"I'm coming home," he said, and Amanda cried, releasing grief for her sister and worry for Nolan and Irisa in one go. For his part, Nolan said nothing, and didn't hang up on her, either.

She'd never been more glad in her life to see him. She threw herself at him, twining her arms around his neck and breathing him in.

"I missed you," Amanda admitted, something out of character for her.

"I missed you, too," Nolan replied automatically, though he found the statement to be true.

"Let's go to the diner and catch up," Amanda suggested.

Nolan nodded and agreement, and they walked there. They ate together happily, and Nolan told her how Manhattan was doing.

"She wasn't there," he told her, "I didn't think she would be, but I had to try, you know?"

"What was your lead?"

"A string of attacks on convicted rapists that'd been released due to bribes," he admitted.

"That's all?"

"Well, the suspect was a petite Irathient girl," he shrugged, "I figured it was worth looking into, okay?"

Amanda nodded, "I understand. Just don't leave me like again unless you have a real, credible lead, okay? I need you."

"Okay," he smiled fondly, realizing his promise was near empty.

She still smiled and nodded at him, as if she knew.

They walked back to his apartment for a drink. She only had one glass, and he, two.

"Anything happen while I was gone?" Nolan asked.

Amanda swallowed, then decided, "No, nothing."

However, Nolan could tell when she was lying, and responded, "Are you sure?"

Amanda smiled reassuringly, "Yes, I'm sure."

And then, when she knew Nolan wasn't convinced, Amanda put down her empty glass, took his and put it next to hers. Before Nolan could process what was happening or think to stop her, Amanda was leaning towards him, eyes fluttering shut as her lips captured his in the sweetest kiss he could ever remember.

He'd never been so shocked, his hands at his sides as Amanda coaxed him with her tongue to open his mouth to hers.


	4. Chapter 4

"_My hands and feet are weaker than before."_

Amanda pushed Nolan gently so he was lying down on the couch, their lips still fused. Finally, his hands came to rest on her: one in hair lovely golden hair, which was hanging in loose waves today, and one on the luscious curve of her ass.

She moaned into his mouth, and Nolan vowed to make her make that sound again. Finally, Amanda pulled away, panting and straddling his stomach.

It was then, looking into his now-navy eyes, that she realized there would be no turning back. It was then, as she took one of his hands and slowly placed it on her breast, above her heart, never breaking eye contact, that she realized she didn't care. It didn't matter to her that she'd kissed him because he was suspicious of her. It didn't matter.

"Bed?" Nolan suggested, voice husky; a question, not a command, and she smiled a little.

"Bed," Amanda agreed, standing and pulling him up. Nolan grinned wickedly before swooping her up in his arms. Amanda let out a girlish shriek, and Nolan carried her through the small apartment to deposit her on the twin-sized cot that was his.

Then he jumped, landing on her and causing her to shriek again. It'd been so long since she'd laughed, and Nolan smiled into her breasts, placing a kiss where his face landed. Amanda let out a soft sigh of contentment.

"Get me naked," she commanded, and he chuckled.

"Sure, sweetheart," he replied, teasing. He got up, and Amanda sat on the bed.

Nolan watched as she lifted her tank top up and off, then reached back and undid the clasp of her plain black bra. He helped by pulling at the straps, tugging until the bra was able to be discarded on the floor. Nolan groaned at the sight of her bare breasts, wanting nothing more than to bury his face in those full globes.

He lifted Amanda up enough to unbutton her pants, shimmying them and her matching panties down and off. Then he worked on himself, undressing until he was equally naked. By this time, Amanda had laid down, arms above her head, ankles crossed, looking at him; she was deliberately teasing him, enticing him.

Nolan gently lowered himself on the bed, settling on top of Amanda, who uncrossed her legs to twine them around his, her arms going around his neck.

"Hey," she whispered.

"Hey," he replied before he dove in, capturing her lips in a heated kiss.

She moaned into his mouth as he tasted her. When they pulled apart for air, Nolan shifted them both so they were on their sides, facing each other. He began kissing her neck; she bowed into him, gasping as he sucked on her pulse.

"Nolan," she whined.

He responded by kissing lower, leaving a mark on one of her clavicles that she'd discover later, no doubt. He finds her breasts easily, teasing, coaxing sighs and moans and swears to leave her kiss-swollen lips. He goes lower, kissing along her stomach until she pulls him up for another kiss. Tired of the teasing, she hooks a leg around his hip and flips them so she's on top of him. He smirks at the feeling of sticky wetness against his thigh, golden hair brushing his stomach as she scrapes her teeth across his nipples. It's his turn to moan and writhe, it seems.

When she's done teasing, she positions herself above him. Automatically, Nolan's hands go to her hips, gently pulling her down so he's sheathed inside her. Amanda moans softly, a sound that Nolan immediately cherishes. She leans down to kiss him, openmouthed, and then she sits up and begins to move.

Her hips undulate above his, slow and sure, and he thrusts up with each undulation. His hands move from her hips, up her waist, to her breasts, where he cups them, teasing her nipples with the rough pads of his thumbs.

She arches back, and he knows he'll remember the look on her face forever as she reaches back to fist the sheets behind her, letting out a long moan at the way his next upward thrust hits a particularly sweet spot inside of her.

As she sits back up again, rocking back and forth, moving up and down, he wraps an arm around her and flips her as best he can, grateful for the wall on one side of the cot. They'll definitely be bruised come morning.

He thrusts into her, one of her hands gripping his bicep, the other in his hair, her legs coiled around his waist. Her blonde hair fans out underneath her head, her hazel eyes chocolate brown. Those eyes close and her peach-colored lips open to let out a wanton moan as he rolls his hips to hit her sweet spot.

"You're loud," Nolan grunts, continuing to move and wondering how he's talking.

She narrows her eyes at him, "You're not."

He grins, "You don't want to know why."

"No, probably not," she agrees, her voice gasping at the end as he rolls his hips again.

"It's okay. I like loud women," he tells her, watching as the hand that's been in his hair falls unceremoniously off the bed.

"I'm sure you do," she responds.

"Jealous?"

"Maybe," she narrows her eyes again, finding that she is, in fact, a little jealous.

"You're cute when you're jealous," he blurts out. To distract her, he moves one hand slowly down her body until he finds her clit, which he pinches. She gasps, arching up, eyes rolling into her head a little. Nothing's been so beautiful before.

"I'm almost there," she pants.

"Good," he grunts, thrusting harder and faster inside of her.

It doesn't take long; she shatters, screaming his name, the hand on his bicep leaving nail marks on his arm. She arches off the bed, head hitting his shoulder before she falls back, gasping for air, eyes wide open now.

It's enough to send him careening over the edge; his eyes slam shut, and she watches Nolan as he falls apart, feeling him pulsing inside of her. If Amanda could come again so soon, she would; instead she enjoys the feeling as she tries to catch her breath. His legs and arms give out and he collapses on top of her. Tenderly, she runs her hands up and down his back, her legs wrapped around his now.

"Wow," he finally says.

"Wow," she agrees.

Nolan pulls out of Amanda, spooning her from behind so she's between him and the wall.

"Blankets?" he asks.

"It's okay," she slurs, exhausted.

"Okay," he agrees, entwining their hands over her stomach.

"More than okay," she responds.

"Good," he says, and that's the end of that.

Both fall into a deep sleep with ease.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I apologize for the hiatus but real life is hell on Earth. :/ My mom died in January, and I've had to juggle school, fanfiction, Tumblr, and taking care of the house. So I sincerely apologize and hope this makes up for it. ;) As always, reviews are nice but not necessary.**

"_And you are folded on the bed, where I rest my head."_

When Amanda was a teenager, she'd lie awake next to Kenya, wherever they happened to be, and hold onto her tight, feeling like a ton weight was crushing her chest. Fear and anxiety plagued her dreams, dreams that had never been particularly good, having been born only two years prior to the arrival of the arks. Kenya had had it worse-she'd been born three years into the war, and she'd never have even the faint, slim memories of her father, or what it felt like to be at complete peace.

She hadn't felt as panicked once they were in Defiance and finally had some semblance of safety and peace. But now, lying in the dark on a too-small cot with Nolan's entire body pressed against the back of hers, she feels again that sensation of weightlessness and breathlessness.

She swallows hard, gripping his arm around her so tight her knuckles turn white. In and out, in and out, her breathing is shallow and thready; she wonders if she'll pass out. That's only happened twice, but she's not sure it's worse than this.

As if sensing her distress, she feels Nolan stir against her, her already pounding heart increasing its tempo as she feels his erection against her buttocks. Her body flushes, and Amanda becomes inexplicably aroused despite her panicked state.

"Hey," he mumbles, voice rough with the kind of sleep that comes after really good sex.

"Hi," she squeaks out, wincing at how _obvious_ her voice is.

"Amanda," he gently turns her as best he can so she's lying under him, looking up, "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"

A choked sob escapes her throat before she can suppress it, and suddenly he's gathered her in his arms. Her arms twine around his naked back and she sobs into his shoulder, not quite sure why's she crying: guilt, fear, panic, grief? The list of possibilities is nearly endless.

"It's okay, it's gonna be just fine, baby," he murmurs into her hair, rubbing circles on her back, "It'll all work out, I promise."

When she regains enough composure to pull back from him she smiles a watery smile and says, "I think I'd like to take a shower."

He nods, pulling away so she can stand. She stretches, nude and unembarrassed despite the scene she'd just caused. Nolan appreciates the slope of her back, the smooth curve of her ass, the toned legs that shouldn't be so long on someone so tiny, yet are. Her golden hair spills in messy, sex-crazed waves to the middle of her back.

Nolan swallows, voice husky as he asks, "Can I join you?"

She tosses a smirk over her shoulder, answers, "Only if you make it worth my while. That shower's tiny, Nolan."

"I'll do my best," he grins boyishly, and Amanda feels something tug at her heart. It's not love, not quite, but it's something akin to it, and she'd like to hold onto the feeling, if only for a little while.

She turns on the shower, stepping in. He steps in after her, so close she feels him against her back, his erection straining. Nolan can't help but stare as she turns around, all wet hair and water dripping down bare breasts, her nipples puckered. Amanda notices his gaze and flushes, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Don't," he murmurs, stepping even closer to her and gently prying her arms from her body, "Don't shut me out, Amanda."

She sways, tilting her head up subconsciously. Nolan leans down, capturing her lips in a slow, gentle kiss that stokes fires in them both. She moans softly when he captures her lower lip between his teeth, grazing her lightly, before his tongue sweeps out to soothe the slight burn. Her lips part, and his tongue dips inside, dancing with hers as Amanda's arms come to wrap around his neck, one fisting his short hair, the other on his shoulder.

He hooks his arm around her, spinning them so she's pressed against the nearest wall, the other hand cupping her head. Nolan's leg rests between her thighs as her knees buckle under the assault of his mouth upon hers.

When their lips part, he presses his forehead against hers, both of them panting. Nolan leans down, his lips latching onto her neck, sucking lightly at her pulse point. He moves lower, his hands trailing down her arms to grip her hands gently as he takes a hardened nipple into his mouth. Amanda cries out, throwing back her head against the wall, eyes slamming shut. Her legs quake with the effort to stand up.

He releases her nipple, moving to the other breast as one hand comes up to cup her free one. When he's sure she's satisfied, he moves his lips lower, down her stomach to swirl his tongue in her bellybutton. She's quivering at this point, little keening moans escaping her lips and he moves lower still, until he's kneeling uncomfortably, her leg hitched over his shoulder. Her hands come to rest on his head and he places a kiss to her inner thigh, so close to where she wants him. She can feel every breath he takes ghosting along her most intimate part and she's so, so close.

Then his tongue's swirling around her clit and her hands clench a fistful of hair, writhing and bucking against him. His tongue leaves her clit to dart into her opening, thrusting in and out of her in a frantic rhythm. He alternates between her entrance and her clit, finally taking the tiny nub between his teeth. With a scream of pleasure, Amanda shatters, coming down from her high gasping for air.

She pulls him up, arms pulling him close as their lips fuse together. She moans at the taste of herself on his tongue, loving the surprised gasp he makes when she reaches between him and strokes him, nothing gentle about it. Amanda lets out a small moan as she feels him pulse and grow in her hands, a gush of wetness sticking to her thighs.

He places his hand over hers, helping guide him to her entrance. Amanda gasps as he slams into her, arm around his neck and legs around his waist. Nolan begins to thrust, pounding into her at a steady rate, her hips rolling with each upward movement. The only sound is gasps and groans, and a consistent slapping where their bodies are joined.

It doesn't take long; she bites down on his shoulder as she comes, and with a grunt, his hands spanning her ass, he follows.

He gently releases her soon after; she smiles at him, and they help one another shower before they retire to bed, where she lies on top of him, head over his heart, eyes closed.

"Feeling better?" he asks.

"Much," she replies sleepily.

He chuckles, presses a kiss to the top of her head, rubs a hand up and down her back, "Sleep now, baby."

She yawns in agreement and proceeds to do just that. Nolan soon follows after.


	6. Chapter 6

"_There's nothing I can see; darkness becomes me."_

**One Month Later:**

"You did _not_!" she snorted, trying to suppress her laughter.

"I did!" he exclaims, smiling, "They don't wear rings! How was I supposed to know she was _married_? And that her husband was _built_?"

Amanda was doubled over with laughter, and Nolan grinned dumbly at her, struck by her beauty once more. It'd been a month since they'd first had sex, and since then, they'd agreed to begin dating. For all intents and purposes, they were taking things slow, despite the constant sex. They were currently at the NeedWant, during her break, and were eating dinner, drinking and having fun. They sat across from each other at the table, smiling and laughing as he recounted stories of harried escapes and near traumatizing experiences.

"So," he asked casually, "Can I see your apartment?"

She snorted, "It's hardly an apartment, but yes, you can. I still have a few hours to my shift."

"Should be plenty of time," he winked at her and Amanda rolled her eyes, flushing.

His hand on the small of her back as she guided him to her rooms lit a fire within her. She was surprised how naturally this came to them, how easy it was to slip between the roles of friends and lovers.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Nolan had Amanda pinned against it, leg between her thighs, her hands pinned above her head. She smirked at him and he smiled back.

His lips met hers with urgency, tongue slipping into her mouth. She let out a moan as he coaxed her tongue to duel with his. She found she loved sex with him; it was as engaging as their verbal sparring, an extension of it, even.

Hands flew in a flurry of movement to get undressed as quickly as possible. Nolan guided her to lock her legs around his waist and he carried her to the bed with practiced ease. By the time he deposited her on her bed, she was in only her pants and bra, with him in the same state of undress.

His blue eyes were completed black, and he knelt before her to pull off her shoes, socks, and pants, leaving her only in her underwear. Before she could protest that he, too, should get undressed, he was tugging her panties off, flinging them aside. Briefly, she wondered if she locked the door to her apartment.

The first stroke of his tongue against her had her keening, arching into his touch. Her hands fisted in the sheets behind her, and one of his arms came to rest along her stomach, effectively pushing her back and pinning her. Groaning at the loss of him in sight, she resigned herself to the fact that Nolan could hold his own, and instead buried a hand in his hair. Her hips undulated of their own accord against their restraint as he scraped teeth over her clit.

Amanda let out a long moan as Nolan inserted two fingers into her, combining the fluid movements of his hands with continued oral stimulation of her clit. His tongue darted out to flick at the tiny, swollen nub, and she gasped as she felt the pressure in her lower abdomen increase. She'd found from her time with Nolan that the man literally could not take his pleasure until she'd been thoroughly sated, and then some. Connor had been sweet, but at the end of the day, she ended up masturbating anyhow a third of the time.

All thoughts of her previous husband were pushed aside as Nolan roughly pulled his fingers out of her, diving his tongue into her instead. With a final raspy moan, Amanda arched up as best she could against his arm as her orgasm rippled through her in tsunami waves.

She felt his smirk against the flesh of her inner thigh as she came down, breathing uneven and quick. It was then she realized she still had her bra on, and she struggled to find the energy to sit up enough to remove it. She was rewarded with the hunger in his eyes as she tossed the garment aside before pulling him up, his body covering hers. The friction of his pants against her bare legs had her stifling a groan of frustration; she wanted skin on skin, and she wanted it _now_!

As if sensing that she was in a particularly wanton mood, he rolled off her to do as she wished, removing shoes, socks, and pants, until he was finally, gloriously naked next to her. She rolled on her side and smiled seductively at him as one hand slid down his body to grip him tightly. He grunted as she pumped him, alternating between stroking his length and massaging his balls until Nolan was sure he would cum before he'd even entered her body.

An idea formed in Amanda's mind and she couldn't shake it; instead, she went with it, kissing her way down his stomach, feeling the way his body shivered in response. The first stroke of her tongue against his length had him groaning, hands burying in blonde hair, and she realized her hair was still in its braid. Smirking against him, she took him into her mouth, a difficult feat. She swirled her tongue around him, swallowing hard, and he moaned unabashedly as she deepthroated him. Amanda's hand, the one not supporting her, came up to cup his balls, playing with them teasingly until they tightened against Nolan's body and she knew he was close to release.

"Amanda, I can't," he gasped.

She let go of him long enough to look him in the eyes, and the look on his face was feral. It made her moan to see him so out of control, yet so considerate of her and her needs. It solidified the decision in her mind, even as she felt the familiar tug at her heart that she got when she looked at him.

"I want this," she assured him, before her lips descended to plant a kiss on his tip, tongue flicking out to lap up his precum.

He groaned and gasped as she took him in her mouth again, the hand that had been on his balls going between her legs to play with her clit. Her moan of delight reverberated against his penis, and he felt the familiar pressure at the base of his spine that preluded his orgasm.

As her teeth scraped against his base before licking up to his tip and swallowing, he moaned, arching into her, hands fisted in blonde hair and he shattered, cumming like he'd never done so before. Her name echoed on the walls of the apartment and she grinned against him, swallowing his milky fluids, relishing in the taste and the rush that came with satisfying a man so completely. When he came back to Earth, Nolan pulled Amanda up to kiss her, grunting at the taste of himself in her mouth. He flipped them, and when he broke the kiss, he looked into her eyes and smirked.

"Shtako Amanda, you're amazing. I don't ever want to know how you learned to do _that_," he told her, gently batting aside the hand that had gone between her legs, replacing it with his own.

"Pig," she accused, narrowing her eyes at him. His smirk widened in response as he chuckled.

"Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms," he growled, lips latching onto a sweet spot underneath her ear. Amanda gasped and arched into Nolan as he sucked the spot, undoubtedly leaving a mark.

"Multiple, huh?" she breathed, "'Cause from where I'm laying, I've only had one thus far."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe it is," she taunted, and his laugh vibrated against the skin of her throat.

"You're gonna regret that," he promised, voice gravelly. As if to reiterate the statement, he slide a finger inside of her vagina, laughing merrily as she gasped and arched her back.

"Nolan," she whined indecently as he pumped his finger inside her. She was terrified to think what the man could do to her if only one talented finger was getting her off so easily.

Amanda's eyes widened in disbelief as she felt him pulse and grow against the plane of her hip, biting her lower lip. She watched him through hooded eyes, unable to fathom how she'd gone from barely being able to have one orgasm in an hour to desperately begging for more in the span of a month. Her body was flushed and writhing, the tension in her gut coiled like a spring. And with one final thrust of his finger inside her, combined with an open-mouthed kiss to her neck, she began to cum.

"Amanda," his voice was husky as it pulled her back to him, "I need to be inside you. Feeling you around my hand is great, but I'm pretty sure if I don't chup you fast I'm going to go insane."

She moaned softly at his language, pushing him off gently before turning to lie on her stomach. He grinned; they'd never had sex with Amanda unable to face him. He sure as hell wouldn't take it for granted; he pressed a kiss to the base of her spine, feeling her quiver on her knees before mounting her. One hand gripped her hip in a way she was sure to bruise, the other going to his now fully hard length to pump it once before guiding himself to her entrance. Nolan was amazed at his own stamina; usually, it took him at least a full hour before he was ready to go again, but apparently, his body wasn't satiated until he felt Amanda's silken walls pulsing around him. Groaning impatiently at the thought, Nolan sunk into her.

Amanda moaned, hands gripping the sheets tightly as he pistoned inside of her. Soon, her walls were fluttering, the pressure in her abdomen great, begging for release. His hands on her hips would leave marks, as would the teeth that had been on her neck, but she no longer had the wherewithal to mind.

Nolan's face buried in her neck, his gasping breaths becoming increasingly labored. Before long, he groaned out his release; it was enough for the tension within her to snap, bringing on her own orgasm. They collapsed in a sweaty heap; when Nolan had the ability to move, he did so, pulling out of Amanda before rolling her over and burying his face in her breasts. When Amanda regained the ability to do anything, she ran a hand through his hair, gentle in a way she didn't wish to contemplate yet.

They lay splayed like that until their breathing evened out and their skin cooled, until they fell asleep.

**ANANAN**

Amanda wasn't sure what woke her. Groggy and slightly disoriented, she came to alertness to find Nolan rolled away from her, back to her, with her spooned against him. Pulling away from him, Amanda slid gracefully out of bed. The first thing she did was remove her hair from its braid, running fingers through the blonde locks until they tumbled in undulating waves down her back. She smiled fondly at Nolan as she grabbed his shirt, pulling it on. Buttoning it, she found and then proceeded to put on her panties and pants. Leaning in to kiss his cheek, she crept to the window, when she felt the prickling unease of being watched. In the moonlight, Amanda spied a figure, tall and willowy.

Taken aback, Amanda slipped out of the apartment, thankful for the late hour. She cursed herself under her breath; she'd somehow slept through her shift, and there'd be hell to pay tomorrow. Nevertheless, Amanda continued on, until she exited the building. The figure was outside the door, and as it stepped toward her, Amanda could make out Stahma Tarr.

"What do you want?" Amanda growled.

Stahma smiled benignly as she answered, "Do you know what you are doing to that poor man?"

"You _watched_ us?" Amanda flushed, furious.

"Why you humans get so flustered over sex is beyond me," Stahma waved a dismissive hand, "Because that's all it is to you, isn't it? Sex. Not making love or any other silly notion you humans sometimes have."

"What Nolan and I do is none of your chupping business," Amanda's voice was dangerously low.

Stahma merely shrugged, not fazed by Amanda's display of temper, "I know what you're hiding, Amanda. And I _will_ tell him, if you won't."

"What do you want?" Amanda's voice was softer, pleading, "What do you get out of this, Stahma?"

"Your sister was a whore," Stahma deflected, "Too naïve and utterly _human_ to be as cunning as she needed to be. Oh, she was good, but she was still, at the end of the day, just a whore."

Amanda saw red, "Leave. If you know what's good for you Stahma, then just chupping _leave_!"

Stahma chuckled, "You have a week, Amanda. Then I'll tell Nolan _everything_-about how you kept Datak's lead from him, how you seduced him to keep it a secret. And for what? To what end were you willing to go to to justify your means, Amanda?"

"One week," Amanda whispered, defeated, "Don't make me do this to him, Stahma. He's happy. I'm happy."

"A relationship built on lies is a house built upon a foundation of shifting sand," Stahma smirked, retreating into the shadows.

Amanda let out a growl of frustration, running her hands through her hair. She had no doubt in her mind that Stahma would tell Nolan everything; for what purpose, Amanda had no idea. Gulping back tears, Amanda made her way back into the NeedWant, starting her shift late. When it was dawn and people began to trickle in, she made her way to the apartment.

Smiling, soft and sad, at Nolan, she removed his shirt, undressing. She changed her clothes quickly, and leaned in to give him a quick, sensual kiss. He awoke, hands snaking around her neck.

"Morning, beautiful," he grinned, stretching languidly, "What time is it?"

"Early," Amanda bit her lower lip.

"What's wrong?" Nolan was frowning.

"Nothing," Amanda replied, her tone telling him to drop it.

He nodded, unbelieving, but got up anyway. After Nolan dressed, he leaned in to kiss Amanda heatedly before playfully smacking her ass and leaving. She watched him go with sad eyes.

She wasn't sure he'd ever act that way around her again, not after what she'd tell him.


	7. Chapter 7

"_But I'm already there, I'm already there"_

Avoiding Nolan was extremely difficult for Amanda, and by the end of Day Two, she found herself writhing under her own touch in her own bed on sheets that smelled like them: musk and sex. As she came down from an unsatisfying high, Amanda groaned, throwing an arm across her eyes and sighing. She hadn't anticipated this being difficult. Nolan still came to the bar every day, but she brushed him off, claiming she needed to work, or that she had an ache of some kind. Which had led, this morning, to almost getting in trouble again when he offered to work on her back and she stupidly took him up on his offer; she'd bolted afterwards, nerves on fire. He'd been sympathetic when she came back from the bathroom, assuming she'd thrown up (she almost had, though she'd never, ever admit that to anyone) and offered to leave without a fight. His kiss goodbye had been gentle and unsuspicious; she'd almost wept.

Now it was the morning of Day Three. She dressed slowly and left for work. Work turned out to be an uneventful Sunday. Since it was Sunday, that meant she'd tend to the bar; Nolan came in at precisely five o'clock, nodding at a couple of Sensoths in the corner before bounding up to her, grinning. Her body was on fire, screaming in demand for his touch. She smiled tightly as she poured his drink, not asking for money in response.

He downed it before he leaned in to kiss her. She let him, ignoring the wolf whistles from the patrons. Her flush afterward made Nolan grin, a playful twinkle in his eye. Amanda frowned at him.

"I'm working, you know," she stated.

"Yeah, yeah. I know how little you like to mix work and pleasure. I was thinking, when you get off, do you want to go to dinner at the diner?" he was grinning wolfishly at her, and she bit her lip.

"I'm not hungry," she lied, "And besides, the last time I missed my shift, I was almost kicked out."

"So move in with me," he replied, flippant and easy. Her heart ached at the sight of his laidback smile.

"It's not that simple, Nolan," she wagged a finger at him, "You know I _need_ this job."

"Working here won't bring Kenya back," he cautioned.

"Chup you, Nolan. Don't you think I know that?" she snapped, and he bristled.

"What's up with you? You've been weird since the other day," he was growling now, obviously hurt at her insult.

Amanda swallowed, eyes fluttering shut as she attempted to calm herself, "I've just been a little on the edge, okay?"

A thought occurred to him, and he nearly staggered backwards. Nolan forced himself to voice the thought, "Amanda... you're not, um... not _pregnant_, are you? Because I know we weren't very careful, and I know you've been taking birth control, but was that a new thing, or...?"

Her hazel eyes snapped open, regarding him as she hissed, "No, I'm not pregnant! I've been on birth control for _months_, Nolan, months! Do you honestly think I'm so stupid that I'd let that happen ever again?! I _never_ want to have to make that decision again, Nolan. Never!"  
He pinched the bridge of his nose, forcing calm as he replied, "Amanda, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate you're vapid. But let's have this conversation elsewhere, huh? People are starting to stare."

Amanda glanced around, anger filling her as she found people were, indeed, looking at them; she growled, "Probably because you accused me of being pregnant!"

"I didn't accuse you-"

"-It sure as hell _sounded_ like it-"

"-Do you honestly want to know how I felt about that?"

"-Sure, why the hell not?!"

"I thought, maybe for a moment, that you'd feel differently. That you wouldn't be so chupped up that you can't even imagine that it could be a good thing!"

"A good thing?" her voice was rising in panic now, "A _good _thing? How in hell is me being a mother a good idea?!"

"Well, obviously it's not!"

"Get out," she hissed, "Go chup yourself!"

Growling, Nolan slammed a fist onto the bar, "Dammit Amanda! What the hell is _wrong_ with you?"

Tears welled in her eyes, "Don't bother coming back, Nolan."

He scrubbed a hand wearily over his face, ignoring the stares burning a hole into his back, "Amanda, please, just tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is, we can fix it."

"You can't," she choked back a sob.

"I can try," he pleaded.

She shook her head, "Not now. Not here."

"When?"

She swallowed, "I'll swing by your apartment after my shift, okay?"

"You're not gonna leave me, are you?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No. No, I'm not. But we should talk, because the honeymoon phase? It's definitely over."

Nolan swallowed, nodding, "Okay. I'll make dinner."

Amanda smiled a little, "You're sweet."

"Don't tell anyone," he winked.

Nolan hesitated a moment, swaying unsteadily before he placed a finger under her chin, tilting her head up. Amanda's eyes fluttered closed as Nolan leaned in to capture her lips with his, sucking the bottom lip between his teeth briefly. He pulled back, pressing his forehead against hers, and she sighed.

"If I'd ever thought me getting pregnant was a possibility, I would've made you use a condom," she told him, voice soft now, "I'm not cut out to be a mom."

"You'd be a great mom," he disagreed, gentle now.

She smiled sadly, "Just because I could care for Kenya means nothing. You don't want to know how we made it to Defiance. I couldn't protect her-how in hell could I ever protect a baby from the horrors of this world?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, "You can't. But it's okay, because what matters is that you can try."

"The definition of insanity is trying something over again and expecting different results," Amanda quipped wryly, "Just because you can try, doesn't mean it's a good idea."

"It's not even a possibility, Amanda, because you're on birth control. So we'll shelve the conversation and agree to disagree. Unless in the future you decide you want kids, I'm okay with not talking about it," he told her.

"What makes you think we'll be together long enough to have that discussion?" Amanda asked, genuinely curious.

"What makes you think we won't be?" Nolan retorted, shrugging, a little startled that she was so blatantly blasé about their relationship.

"I don't exactly have the best track record," Amanda explained, treading carefully.

"Neither do I," he responded, "But I feel like, with you, it could work."

She smiled sadly, the irony of the situation not lost on her, "I'll see you later, Nolan."

He nodded at her, "I'll see you."

With that, he left, and Amanda exhaled a shaky sound.


	8. Chapter 8

"_Wherever there is you, I will be there, too"_

At eleven, Amanda made her way to Nolan's apartment. She wore her tan skirt and a black button down that had been Nolan's. He smirked at her when he saw her, taking in the waves of hair cascading down her back.

"Is that my shirt?" he greeted her, stepping aside so Amanda could enter the apartment.

"Maybe," her lips quirked up, "What're you gonna do about it?"

He growled, "Makeup sex before dinner?"

She rolled her eyes, "Is that all you think about? Sorry, but I'm starving."

His gaze softened from feral to tender, and he leaned in to kiss her, a quick peck that still melted her insides. When Nolan pulled back, he was smiling softly at her, and Amanda swallowed back the guilt welling up in her throat. She'd wait until after they'd eaten, she decided, but before he could take her to bed. Whatever he might decide, she wasn't going to deceive him any longer by chupping him first, satisfying as that may be.

Nolan placed a hand at the small of her back, guiding her gently to the table, which he'd set with a candle in the middle. It made her want to weep, the thought of him thinking so hard about making it up to her after their argument. Bile rose in her throat, and she swallowed it down with difficulty. Nolan pulled her chair out with a flourish, gently pushing it in before he went to sit down himself.

"Enjoy. It's not the greatest, but I think you'll like it," he grinned at her.

She dug in, not bothering to hide a moan at the taste, "This is really good."

"Surprised?"

"A little," she teased, smirking at him.

He growled, and she shivered at the sound. It took all the restraint in Nolan's body not to reach across the table and take her right there, and Amanda knew it. Since they'd been together, she'd found Nolan to be a man in need of touch; he was tactile and unrestrained when it came to pleasure.

They finished their meal in silence, both hesitant in their own ways. When done, they cleaned in silence as well, finally settling on Nolan's bed. She sat next to him, and when he put an arm around her, she tensed.

"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning. She'd never been a fan of touch, but she'd never pulled away from him since they'd gotten together.

Amanda swallowed hard. It wasn't going to get any easier by dragging it out, and Stahma's threat loomed over her head like day-old shtako. So she took a deep breath to quell as many nerves as possible.

"When you were in Manhattan," she began slowly, "The mayor came to see me."

"Did he hurt you?" Nolan demanded.

"Please, let me talk," she squeezed her eyes shut to keep from crying or lashing out at Nolan.

"Okay," Nolan frowned.

"The mayor came to see me," she began again, "And told me Datak wanted to talk to me."

"That shtakfaced-"

"Nolan!"

"Sorry," he mumbled, sheepish.

"Datak told me something about Irisa," she admitted. The room became eerily silent, and she didn't dare open her eyes. The arm around her shoulders dropped, and Amanda almost whimpered at the loss of contact.

"When were you going to tell me?" his tone is hurt, confused. She hates herself more than she's ever hated herself, even when she found out she was pregnant with Connor's baby.

"That night in your apartment," she continued, voice small and childlike, "I seduced you, because if I didn't, you'd go half-cocked at Datak, demanding information, and then you'd go after that information."

"Amanda, what'd he say?!" his voice is wavering, pleading with her, begging her to make him understand.

"He told me a story about the Kaziri," she admits, words bubbling up without stopping, "He told me he knew who killed Kenya. I figured it was a load of shtako. But then I was in the library when a bout of razor rain hit, and I looked up the Kaziri. They could wipe out the Earth Republic, the Votanis Collective, chup it, they could destroy the world! It sounded like a load of shtako, but I knew you'd go after it anyways. I didn't want you to get hurt."

"Did you ever care for me at all?" he asked, voice small and hurt.

"I don't know," she finally looks at him, and the tears in his blue eyes make her want to vomit, "I don't know."

"So it was a lie," he states, eerily calm.

"Maybe," she shrugs, desperate to make him understand suddenly, "Nolan, I loved Connor. But I could never give myself fully to him because I didn't have a whole heart. And with you... you're not exactly a safe bet. I don't honestly know if I could give you what's left, but everytime you're hurting or happy, I feel this inexplicable tug in my chest. I don't want this to end, Nolan. I want to give it a real try."

"Get out," he was crying now, "Just chupping go!"  
Amanda let out a sob, hand flying to her mouth to stifle it, "Nolan, please-"

"You're a lying bitch!" he was angry now, standing and pacing, "Everyone in this town thought your sister was the whore, but it was you all along, wasn't it?"

Amanda was sobbing, standing now, "Nolan, you don't mean that-"

"Dammit Amanda!" he cried out, looking her full in the face, "I _love_ you!"

Her whole world crashed down around her, and she ran to the bathroom to throw up. He didn't follow. When she returned, she was shaking and sobbing, weak. Nolan's heart urged him to comfort her and he felt sick, hating himself because he couldn't bring himself to hate her instead.

"Please, just leave," he begged, "Just leave, Amanda."

"Nolan, don't-"

"Leave," he growled in warning, then softer, "I just need some time, okay? I just need some time. Please, Amanda. Leave, before I do something incredibly stupid."

She shuddered violently, knowing he'd never hurt her; rather, he meant he'd chup her again, and that was almost as bad as the idea of him hitting her. Which was worse, she mused, the psychological trauma that stemmed from physical abuse, or the psychological trauma that stemmed from attachment?

She wished she knew.

Instead, Amanda nodded, and left.


	9. Chapter 9

"_There's nothing that I'd take back"_

The days pass slowly, and two days later, he swings by the bar. She smiles sadly at him from where she's mopping the floor. He waits impatiently, and when she's done, he follows her to her apartment.

"There's a lead," his voice is emotionless, guarded, like when Amanda first met him, and it makes her want to cry again, "In Denver."

"Don't go," she says impulsively.

"Amanda, I need to get the hell away from you before I don't care about the consequences," Nolan growled, "You chupping _lied_ to me! You chupped me in this bed and slept in my arms and didn't care at all that I have real feelings, too!"

She looked as if she'd been slapped, and maybe he had verbally done so. Again, his heart ached, and he wanted to apologize, to beg forgiveness and sleep in her embrace again. But then Nolan remembered that Amanda had seduced him to cover up a lead, and he felt the sting of anger once more.

"I'm sorry," she was crying now, "I'm so sorry."

He snorted, "No, you're not. You just want to cover your own ass. And you know what? You were _right_, Amanda. You'd make a shtako mother."

With that, he left, slamming the door behind him. Amanda sobbed in her room, sinking to the floor in front of her bed. This is what happens when you chup around with people's feelings, Amanda, she thought to herself; what in hell did you expect?

**ANANAN**

When Kenya turned thirteen, Amanda made a big deal of it; she went all out. She'd seen her sister ogling a dress in the window of a store they couldn't have afforded before the war, let alone now. Still, Amanda was determined, and she set out to the store, chin held high.

The owner was a middle-aged man, not exactly bad looking. He smiled, looking her up and down, and Amanda shivered, refusing to give in. It was her sister's thirteenth birthday, and Amanda would be damned if she let this man intimidate her out of doing something for Kenya.

"What do you want, girly?" his voice was raspy, like he'd had one too many cigarettes. He probably had.

"That dress," she pointed calmly to the one in the window.

The man laughed, "Like you have enough to barter for it."

"Please," Amanda's lip quivered, "Please, it's my baby sister's thirteenth birthday."

"Hmm," he stroked his goatee, pretending to contemplate it; a light flickered on in his eyes as he turned to her, "How old are you, dear?"

"I'm eighteen," she lied smoothly; she would still be seventeen for four months.

"Good," he grinned, "Because I think I found a way you could pay up."

Later, at almost thirty-six, Amanda still cringed when she thought of what she'd let that man do to her, how she'd let him degrade her. The smile on her sister's face when she'd presented the gift-along with a non-stale loaf of bread-had made her unable to regret whoring herself out, but even to the present day, Amanda was haunted by the fact that she lived in a world where she'd lost her virginity to a man she'd never met to give her sister a birthday present.

There hadn't been enough showers in the world to make the feel of dirty hands go away, and the feeling of being tainted hadn't completely gone away, even now. Her virginity had been stolen, her innocence right along with it. She'd never shared the story with a single soul, but as Kenya grew older-and after she'd lost her virginity at fifteen due to Amanda being sick and needing medication they couldn't afford-Amanda had no doubt Kenya just _knew_ what that stupid dress had cost her sister.

It was why, when she'd met Connor, she'd fallen into his arms readily. She'd wanted so desperately to be normal that she ignored their differences. But when Amanda fell pregnant, she knew she couldn't be a mom. Children shouldn't grow up in a world where sex was an acceptable currency.

The abortion hadn't hurt, and she'd felt too numb to cry. When Connor found out, it was from Kenya, who'd figured out Amanda had been pregnant due to a pregnancy test she'd forgotten about in the trash. Connor had come home to the two women arguing about it. He was just in time for Amanda to announce she'd aborted the fetus.

The thunderstruck look on Connor's face was something Amanda would never forget, even after nine years. He'd been too shocked to anything more than beg her to tell him it wasn't true. But she'd broken down, finally, and admitted it was true. Connor had left, and when he'd returned, he told her he was leaving.

Two months later, the divorce was finalized, and Amanda and Kenya headed west, not knowing where in hell they were going, but that Manhattan had nothing left to offer them but ghosts..

**ANANAN**

"I want to be a prostitue," Kenya tells Amanda casually, like she's announced a sports score or something else of unimportance. Amanda almost chokes on her drink; she looks at her sister, hoping to find an amused grin, but finding instead an anxious look that's begging Amanda to just accept it.

"Where'd this come from?" Amanda asks, voice hoarse from almost choking.

Kenya shrugs, "You know what we had to do to get here. I figure, why not make money from something I find so enjoyable?"

"If this is about getting back at Hunter-"

"This is not about Hunter Bell!" Kenya's got a petulant pout on her face, "I thought you'd understand."

"Understand? Understand _what_, Kenya? That you want to sell your vagina and God knows what else for a little money?" Amanda is getting angry, and this is not going the way Kenya wanted it to.

"I'm twenty-seven years old, Amanda," Kenya murmurs, looking downcast, "I can do what I want."

Amanda softens instantly, and curses herself for it, "I know, Kenya, but you could run this as a hotel."

"I don't want anything to remind me of him!" she exclaims, "Please, Amanda. I really think that this is my calling."

"I'm sorry you lost your virginity at fifteen because I had pneumonia," Amanda pinches the bridge of her nose, "I'm sorry that being the mayor's assistant is taking up my life. I'm sorry, okay? Try to make me understand. I can't promise you won't piss me off, but I'll promise to listen."

It's all Kenya can ask for, so she begins, "Sex doesn't bother me. Maybe it's because I lost my virginity so young, maybe it's this new world, but it really doesn't. I've tried the monogamy thing and it obviously fell apart spectacularly. Even polygamy doesn't interest me, because unless I want more than two husbands, I'm still stuck with just a couple of people. I don't _want_ a stable relationship like you, Amanda. I didn't get two years of normality. This _is_ my normal! I just want to do what I love."

Amanda nods, not looking at her sister, "Okay."

"Okay?" Kenya sounds hopeful, and Amanda can't-won't-back out now.

"Just be careful, okay? Condoms at all times. I don't chupping care how in the mood you are-which, by the way, I _don't_ want to think about my baby sister like that-use a condom. And birth control."

"Already on it," Kenya dismisses, and at Amanda's look explains, "Hunter refused to use a condom, and did you _really_ think I'd be dumb enough to get pregnant? Not that you were dumb, but at least Connor didn't knock you around."

Amanda sighs heavily, "Be chupping careful, and I don't want to know _anything_, unless someone's hurting you. Deal?"

"Deal," Kenya agrees, a grin spreading across her face as she leans across the bar to hug a reluctant Amanda, "I chupping love you!"

Amanda smiles sadly, "I love you, too."

**ANANAN**

Standing under the showerhead in the communal bathroom at the NeedWant, Amanda can't contain her sobs. She sinks to the ground of the tiny stall, burying her face in her hands as she releases her grief and anguish over losing both Kenya and Nolan.

She wasn't lying when she told Nolan she didn't know if she cared for him. He deserved the truth, no matter how cruel it was. But Amanda's finding it's a double-edged blade, and she wishes desperately she could go back to the idyllic days of a few weeks ago. Not that they never argued-their verbal sparring was almost as arousing as their physical activities-but it'd been about silly, frivolous things as opposed to anything serious.

She'd almost forgotten she lied to him. Almost. But then he'd smile fondly at her, and the guilt would well up, begging her to confess. And maybe if she had early on, he would've understood. Maybe he would've been hurt and a little angry, but maybe he would've gotten over it. Instead, she dragged out their relationship for a month before she'd admitted her sins.

"Amanda?" a cautious voice calls out; Tirra.

"Just a minute," she calls back.

Amanda turns off the shower, wiping away her tears with the towel before drying off quickly and wrapping it around her body. Forcing a smile onto her face, she steps out, facing Tirra, who's learned quickly seeing the former mayor nearly naked is not a thing to gawk at.

"The boss wants to see you," Tirra tells her.

Amanda curses; the boss is a Liberata named Amelia who wants only one thing: to sell Amanda.

She'll be damned if she lets that happen.

She smiles, thanking Tirra, who leaves. Amanda dresses and steels herself for the conversation to come.

"Enter," Amelia replies to Amanda's knock. Amanda does so, sitting before Amelia when she gestures to do so.

"Yes?" Amanda asks.

"You know what I want," Amelia begins, and Amanda internally groans.

"No," Amanda replies coolly.

"No?"

"No, I won't chup people for money," Amanda replies, voice steady and calmer than she feels.

"Is this about your boyfriend? Because rumor has it, you broke up," Amelia grins slyly; she's got Amanda cornered.

"It's not about Nolan," Amanda growls, "I'm not selling myself."

Amelia's face closes off, "Then get out."

Amanda does so with minimal hesitation. It doesn't take long to pack-it takes less time to find her way to Rafe McCawley's.

"Amanda?" he asks, wary of her visit.

"I need a couch to crash on," she tells him, point blank, "They fired me at the NeedWant."

Rafe nods, admitting her to his house. She nods in thanks, going to the couch. She won't ask for more than he's willing to give, and Rafe appreciates that.

She's eerily calm, he notes. He hasn't seen her much in the past three months, but from what he heard, she'd been seeing Nolan. Rafe figures that if Amanda came here, they probably broke up.

For some reason, that makes him sad, but he won't pry.

It's not his place to do so.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I do apologize for any OOCness. But I am trying to explore darker sides of people here, so it was bound to happen. Also, this will be done by June 19. Hence the mass update.**

"_But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret"_

When Nolan was seventeen, he fell in love for the first time. Her name was Hannah, and her family was the member of a cult that declared the arrival of the Votans the first sign of the endtimes.

Since he'd left his family to make his way east, he'd been adrift. Nolan had left for the sake of his sister; four years younger, still growing, and the food that his parents procured was better spent going into her mouth than his. Olivia had cried and even begged, but ultimately resigned herself to the fact that her big brother couldn't be persuaded. Her tearful face haunted him to this day.

Hannah was beautiful, in a plain sort of way. Her beauty came more from her inner strength than her willowy limbs, wavy auburn hair that reached her waist, and big blue eyes. She was a year younger, and her laugh crinkled her nose and eyes. Nolan fell ass over head at first sight.

Her family was happy to take him into their fold. Hannah was demure at dinner, and afterwards, when he was shown his room, lingered a little.

"What? I got something on my face?" he asked, confused by this strange girl's behavior and the way it caused butterflies to explode in his stomach.

She shook her head, reddening, "N-no! Just, uh... the only boys I've ever talked to are my cousins. John and Michael, they're fourteen and eighteen respectively."

Nolan nodded slowly, still a tad confused, "Well, I don't bite. What's your name?"

"Hannah," she squeaked out, "Hannah Davis. I have three sisters, Emily, Patricia, and Ulyssa."

"That's cool," he smiled a little now, finding Hannah to be alright, if not a little odd, "I have one sister. Olivia. She's thirteen."

"Where is she?" Hannah blurts, then backtracks quickly, "Sorry! It's none of my business. Sorry!"

Nolan chuckled, "It's alright. I left, actually. There wasn't enough food to go around, and I made the decision that the food should go to Olivia before my parents had to."

"That's really noble of you," Hannah smiled now, radiant, "Well, I'm sorry to have wasted your time."

"You didn't! My name's Joshua Nolan, but everyone calls me Nolan," he grins, shrugging a little, "My dad's name is Joshua, too, so it was the only way to know who was being called."

Hannah nodded, smiled again at him, and left. Nolan sighed, flopping back onto the bed.

Days turned to weeks turned to months, and finally, Nolan had been there five months when one day during his chores, Hannah kissed him. It wasn't the first time he'd been kissed-he'd kissed Amelia at eight, Lily at twelve, and Joanna at fifteen-but it was the first time he felt like he could fly right off the Earth and soar into the sun.

As the months passed, their relationship grew, until they were ready to take that final step. Seven months into their courtship-a full year since Nolan's arrival-they made love for the first time, and Nolan wanted to marry Hannah.

But then the Votan militants came, one night eight months after they'd first kissed, as Hannah lay awake in Nolan's arms. He'd be forever haunted by the sounds of screams and pleading not to kill Ulyssa, who was five, from Hannah's mother Violet.

A large Sensoth burst into the room, waking Hannah. She screamed, and Nolan watched in complete horror as the guard lifted her naked from his bed and shot her with his phaser, in the chest, right above her heart. There was no way for Hannah to recover-she was dead.

The Sensoth turned to Nolan, smirked, and as Nolan's life flashed behind his eyes, he saw Hannah's father Jacob behind the Sensoth, banging him on the head with a frying pan. It wasn't nearly enough to take the soldier down, but it was enough for Nolan to get up, pull on pants, and jump from the open window, landing in the bushes below. Sputtering leaves from his mouth, Nolan ran.

Five weeks later, Nolan joined the army.

**ANANAN**

"Datak Tarr wants to see you," the mayor is leaning against the wall of the Darby Building. It'd been a low blow that the only janitorial job Amanda could get was there, but she had no choice but to take it. In the two months since Nolan had left, she'd hardened against the mayor's constant taunting, but today she stopped, frowning at him in confusion.

"I thought Vegas wanted him?" Amanda asks, tilting her head slightly.

The mayor shrugs, "They do, but you know bureaucracy. It takes forever and a day to get their damn heads out of their asses."

"So why does he want to see me? To feed me more shtako fairytales?" Amanda demanded, getting irritated.

"Who knows? But he won't eat until you see him, and the Earth Republic's not exactly fond of letting prisoners die," the mayor smirks.

"Force feed him," Amanda counters.

The mayor snorts, "Just see the damn man. I promise not to dock your pay."

"Fine," she growls, "Fine."

Grinning cockily, the mayor leads Amanda to the waiting roller. Smug bastard. She suppresses a noise of irritation at his assumption she'd come along, and the drive to the prison just outside Defiance-courtesy of the Earth Republic-is silent.

Again, bureaucracy; they are searched and given passes, and Amanda doesn't dare complain when the guard searching her gropes her in a way he shouldn't. Instead, she shoots him a heated glare and he smirks back at her, knowing there's nothing she can possibly do if she wants to see Datak. Which she doesn't, but nevertheless, she must.

"What do you want?" Amanda demands as she sits down.

"What, no hello?" Datak smiles slyly.

"Not for you," Amanda growls.

Datak smirks, "Did you know that my wife visits me?"

"What has that got to do with me?" Amanda hides her confusion well.

He leans across the table as best he can, attempting to intimidate her, but she refuses to cower. He smirks again and says, "She says she saw you and your former lawkeeper chupping in your former apartment at the NeedWant."

"Not my fault she's a voyeur," Amanda replies coolly, keeping a level head.

Datak laughs, "So no denial, then?"

"No."

"What drew you to him? I'm sure he was good in bed-all that anger-but what made you decide to chup him?"

Datak's smile widens when she doesn't answer beyond a simple glare. He begins to laugh, cruel and almost insane.

"Oh," he says between chuckles, "Oh, so that's how it is. You decided to keep something from him by chupping him. Bravo, Amanda, brilliant! I didn't think you had it in you."

"What. Do. You. Want?" she hisses.

"Nothing," he dismisses her, "Absolutely nothing from you. I just wanted to know."

"Know what?"

"If you really were a whore. Just like your sister, huh?" he grins.

It takes all her strength to walk away. And when the mayor asks, she replies with a clipped "nothing" and they go on their way.

Datak's laughter echoes in her ears until they ring.


	11. Chapter 11

"_Cause when you sing, I shout"_

Amanda saw red. Before she could realize where she was going, she was at the Tarr household. She'd been dropped at the Darby building after her visit to Datak, and now she'd pay a visit to Stahma as well.  
A servant opened the door, and hesitated a moment before gesturing her inside. The servant went to fetch Stahma, who would no doubt be wary of Amanda's presence. It was the only advantage she had against the woman: surprise.

"Hello, Amanda," Stahma smiled genially, belying no hint of surprise at Amanda's visit.

"Stahma," Amanda pursed her lips.

"To what do I owe this visit?" Stahma asked, "I believe that is what you humans say, is it not?"

Amanda shrugged, "I don't care. Cut the shtako, Stahma. It's just you and me. What's in it for you to turn your husband on me?"

Stahma's smile broadens, "I don't know what you're talking about, dear."

Amanda laughs, "Right. Okay. So why did he call me a whore?"

"Maybe because you are one," Stahma suggested, "I don't know."

Amanda steps in her space and growls, "You were the only one to see us that night, the only one with enough of a lack of the concept of privacy to watch Nolan and me."

Stahma leans in, "And you were the one who thought it'd be a good idea to... how do you say it? Have sex to keep something from someone."

Amanda looked like she'd been slapped, "I always thought Datak was the one in control, but he isn't, is he? You're the one who wears the pants."

"I hardly wear pants, dear," Stahma scoffs, "Despite that human idiom I clearly don't understand, I don't like what you're insinuating."

"What I'm insinuating?" Amanda looks incredulous, "You're the one telling your husband about what you saw through a window!"

"A window you were too... busy, I suppose, to close the blinds to," Stahma smiled serenely, "It's not my fault my walk was interrupted by your moaning, and that I couldn't help but take a peek."

Amanda blushed and snorted, "Right. Because you just _happened_ to be walking by the NeedWant at 11 PM at night. So believable, Stahma. That's shtako and you know it!"

"Is it? You have no proof, dear," Stahma's smile grew at Amanda's discomfort, "Besides, I doubt you'll go the Lawkeeper, considering the fact that you were chupping him and he left you two months ago. Oh, was that supposed to be a secret? Because it's the worst kept secret on Earth, if it is."

Amanda was reeling, livid, "Go to hell, Stahma, or whatever hole you crawled out of."

"Such a mouth," Stahma stepped closer, so they were face to face as much as possible, "It'd be better suited to other talents. That's what the NeedWant owner saw in you, is it not? Yet you turned down a lucrative career prospect for a man who no longer wanted you."

Tears prickled at the corner of Amanda's eyes, yet she refused to let them fall, "That was my sister's job. Not mine. _Never_ mine."

Stahma laughed now, "Oh? Because I'm sure you didn't get to Defiance from Manhattan with money. And I sincerely doubt Kenya was the only one who chupped people for your passage."

"Why does it always come back to Kenya? What would you know about how we got here?" a nagging suspicion prickled at the back of Amanda's mind, that Stahma knew more about Kenya's death than she was letting on.

Stahma reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Amanda's ear. It had the desired effect; the human woman shivered involuntarily in a combination of disgust and fascination. Tactile manipulation worked as well on Amanda as it had on her sister. Stahma tucked away that tidbit of information for later.

Stahma leaned in until her lips met the heated skin of Amanda's ear before she murmured, "Your sister was a whore, nothing more. She had no business attempting to be anything else."

With that Stahma pulled away, satisfaction filling her at the thunderstruck expression on Amanda's face. The verbal slap she'd received was worse than any physical blow she'd ever been dealt. Her tears were closer to the surface now, and she choked back a sob. She hated herself for her weakness, and hated Stahma for exploiting it.

"I suggest you leave," Stahma replied coolly, "And I won't mention your... indiscretions to anyone else."

"Chup you," Amanda hissed.

Stahma smiled widely, "I'd suggest you don't make implications you don't intend to follow up on."

With that blow delivered, Stahma walked to the door. She held it open, gesturing gracefully for Amanda to leave. Amanda's eyes narrowed, but she walked out anyways, tail tucked between her legs. As the door slammed shut behind her, she kicked at the dirt and cursed. As soon as she got to Rafe's couch she'd surely scream into a pillow, but for now, she controlled her rage.

"Amanda?" a high, feminine voice called; Christie.

"Yes?" Amanda looked up at the girl, voice hoarse from holding back tears.

"Are you alright?" the young girl was arm in arm with her husband, who smiled tightly and nodded at Amanda in acknowledgment.

Amanda smiled forcefully, "I will be."

"Come, let's go to the diner," Christie suggested, tugging on Alak's arm as she looked at him imploringly. He smiled fondly at her and Amanda's heart ached for Nolan and what they'd had together.

She followed the teens, wary of Alak more than Christie. Amanda doubted the eighteen year old would be pleased with how she'd just treated his mother. Christie, on the other hand, was a regular ray of sunshine. At sixteen, she was beautiful, radiating beauty and light to all those she touched. She balanced out Alak perfectly, complementing him as much as she matched him.

The diner was quiet, and became quieter at the new arrivals. Amanda nodded coolly at the patrons, who took that as a signal to continue their meals and conversations. She sat in a booth across from the teens, who sat hip to hip. Christie leaned in to give Alak a quick peck, patting his arm in thanks for his compliance.

"So," Alak began, "Why were you visiting my mother?"

Amanda sighed; so much for avoiding this conversation.


End file.
